Monkey Business

Life is funny sometimes. Not funny "Ha-Ha" but rather more like the ironic way that things are played out. It's "funny" how life just has a way of turning you upside down and shaking you by your ankles until you scream "Uncle!". You may not realize that you behave a certain way in life but sometimes it takes the likes of a couple of cocktails and girlfriend gab-fest to really put things in perspective. That, fortunately, was the case with my most recent life altering event which we will label as the "Trouble in Paradise" Chapter of Leah Marie Sadowski. My good friend "Babs" just finished listened to me drone on and on about the woes of my troubled relationship until she could take no more.

"You know what your problem is Leah....?"

 Never a good interlude to anything. "You are just like a monkey" Seriously? All right, I am game....

"How so Babs??" I say as I am literally holding my breath. Do I smell offensive? Was she referring to my dance moves? Is she making reference to my tendency to scratch my head and make screeching noises when I work on the computer?

"When it comes to relationships you swing from branch to branch like a monkey never letting go....relationship to relationship...never stopping."

"I beg to differ. I never...." I am quickly interrupted by her further arguing her case.

"When is the last time you were without a boyfriend?" she stares right into my eyes waiting for an answer. This girl is not budging until she gets an answer.

"Ummmm...well I will say 4th grade. Oh wait a minute..." I stare into space like I am going to find the answer there "I forgot about Johnny Jonkowski....make that 3rd grade!" I smile smugly like I just delivered the million dollar answer.

"You have got to be kidding me..."

"Oh you think I should count Patrick Parsinsky in kindergarten? We did actually get married behind the church during recess until Sister Mary Ancient put an end to that...."

"That's ridiculous..."

"No it was beautiful. I was a spring bride. My bridal party threw Cheerios. When it was over he punched me in the arm harder than I have ever been punched; magical" I drone on apparently lost in the moment. I should really look up Patrick, I think to myself, we really did make a good couple back then.

"No that is ridiculous that you have never been without a boyfriend. Just like a monkey..never touch the ground just swing one to the other. When are you going to take time for yourself?"

I look at her with bewilderment. What in the world is she talking about? Myself? Monkey? Swinging? Me? Single?? It's like she just told me the world was round. Just---can't----compute.....A really long silence passed, I played a couple of responses back in my head that just didn't seem to work out and then I changed the subject. Unfortunately the prophetic words of The Great Babs stuck with me until finally I could take no more and called up my friend "Frank the Tank"

"Hey Frankie it's Leaaaaaah....Leaaaaaaah" I find it completely necessary to sing Outkast "Hey Yeah" but with my name every time I call Frankie. It really is a joke that never gets old by my standards.

"Hey you--what's shaking in the land of Leaaaaaaahhhhh?" That's why I love Frankie; always there to continue on the Outkast Tradtion.

"Oh not much you know a little bit of this, little bit of that...DO YOU THINK I AM INDEPENDENT?" My every intention was to start out slow and build up to the topic. You know, interject it casually. Needless to say things did not go as planned.

"Independent? Yeah sure, you work, you have money..well until you spend your last nickle on shopping."

"I am!" I let him sell me on the idea. Stroke that ego Frankie, stroke that ego.

"You pay your own bills, you are very self-sufficient..."

I interrupt him not liking the direction of the bullet point list."But what about relationships? You know boyfriend stuff? Do you think I could be without a boyfriend?" 

"Absolutely not."

"What? I think I lost you there for a minute Frankie. You must be in a bad area for cell coverage."

"No" he states firmly.

"No? Whatta ya mean 'no'?" I am baffled. How could he have executed that answer so quickly and with conviction?

"I mean you are like Jerry Maguire. You know the part in the movie where they say: "Jerrrrry can never be alone" he says in his broadcaster voice. Did he just compare me to Jerry Maguire? I never did like Frank the Tank much, I think to myself. He is so self absorbed. Who does he think he is? "Like The Runaway Bride and Elizabeth Taylor all wrapped into one. Very long committing relationships you just run to the next when you are done."

Wow. Runaway Bride AND Elizabeth Taylor. Frank the Tank has officially been demoted to the Casual Friend List. He soooo doesn't know me.

"Oh wait a minute...not Elizabeth Taylor...." he says. Sweet he realized who he was talking to and has seen the light. "Zsa Zsa Gabor! That lady is feisty! You know..."

Click. I hang up abruptly and ignore the automatic call backs saying that he must have "dropped the call". How did I get here? Does everyone feel this way about me? Is that why I haven't been successful? Where in the world did I go wrong?
I have a lot of time to think about this--actually since yesterday when I experienced my most recent desertion by "the one for me".  So I am here--somewhere I don't want to be--alone and extremely down on love. No swinging branch to branch; alone.There were bumps in the road in this relationship and avoidable mishaps that I am going to have to come to terms with in the future. I am hoping and praying that the saying "unlucky in love, lucky in cards" will ring true and I can make my fortune as a traveling Go-Fisher around the world as poker has never been my forte. I am sure that there is some silver lining in this rain cloud although I haven't quite found it yet. I sit and run the scenarios around and around in my head and have some nagging questions left:
If finding the one you love is "fate" what happens if you mess up? Isn't the whole concept behind fate that you are destined for that reality? Most importantly....if you wait too long can you miss your fate?
Get back to me on that.  I will be around all day.  You can find me making my next million dancing around like a monkey with a deck of cards at the local nursing home. Those retirees ain't got nothing on me.
xoxo
lms