In case you haven't been conscious or in your right mind the world is a pretty messed up place and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. We have war, poverty, violence, disease, hunger, billions of gallons of BP oil polluting our water and of course the Desperate Housewives of Atlanta.
Could it really get any worse?
I have found myself retreating to my" happy place" more frequently than I watch the news these days. After many nights lying awake wondering what would be considered a "happy world", I have decided that I had to come up with my own solution to make my own happy world. Luckily for me with the help of my good friend, Frank the Tank, we came up with the solution the other night over a drink….or three…on what would make up the happiest place on earth: LEAH LAND.
My philosophy is simple I tell him;" Build it and they will come". If I create the happy world for myself then others will follow and then hopefully all the other ugly senseless stuff we see in the news would dissipate. It may seem long winded but I have no doubt that you will be asking to come over after reading this-- After all, who wouldn'twant to live in LEAH LAND?
Ahem…
In my perfect world.....or rather….in LEAH LAND….
All people would understand and appreciate "Leah Humor". Therefore, everyone would genuinely think that I am as funny as I think I am.
You could not be held accountable or punished for something that you did as child that your parents found out about 15 years later.
Best friends, the loves of your life, parents, cute delivery guys and your pets would never go away, get sick, mistreat you or abandon you. All fake friends, imposters, AT&T, Postal Workers, DMV workers, the person who almost killed me on the 805 freeway (aka the worst driver in the world) and creepy stalker guy at the gym WOULD go away.
College guidance counselors would not promise you: "Why sure I will sign you off on taking that class so you can graduate, just come back on Monday" and then have a massive heart attack over the weekend…and not make it.
A girl would never unknowingly have to endure catcalls, while hiking up the entire 200+ stairs at college, in a sundress, with the back of her dress caught up in her backpack
When trying to get out of yet another parking ticket, you wouldn't make the parking police SO mad that they give you a $125 J-walking ticket (+ court handling fee) in addition to the parking ticket.
In public areas you would NEVER pass out/faint, have an insane allergic reaction that ambulance workers have to administer the Sweet Jesus Paddles, walk into glass walls thought to be open entries, trip, fall or accidently flash someone in public on the way down to the ground as innocent bystanders gasped in horror.
You would never have to go to Postal Court to have mail delivery reinstated because your 18 year-old, deaf, arthritic, no hair on his tail, Golden Retriever was dubbed "a menace to society".
You would never walk into a quiet room and say: "Hola!...Geez Debbie Downers… who died??" and someone actually did.
If you got in a car accident and unfortunately yelled at the top of your lungs at the person that hit you "don't you play stupid with me" that person wouldn't be (coincidentally) really deaf.
All texts would be understood, never sent to the wrong person and loved by all recipients thanks to the "Texting under the Influence Clause".
Any misfortunate incidents of "acting out" at the company holiday party would not result in termination reprimand or gossip upon return to work on Monday.
Google maps, MapQuest and GPS systems would all have an "avoid ghetto" option
If something really, really bad was going to happen in your life you would be cued by background music
You would never sit through an entire dinner meeting, smiling ear-to-ear, not knowing (or having anyone tell you) that you had food stuck in your teeth and food on your face.
Everybody would adopt "Leah Time" and arrive to their destination whenever they are done being distracted by shiny things, puppies and rainbows.
Every drink would come with a Koozie and an umbrella.
We'd get paid lots of money for the time we spend preparing work, commuting to work, talking about work, and work functions that are conveniently scheduled on our "free time".
Cupid would have better aim and would take timing into consideration.
Cell phones would NEVER be lost, dropped in a beer at a Padres Game, run over by your car, left in the back of a taxi, or stolen by someone apparently with family in Japan.
Impulsive spending habits and retail therapy would be rewarded when it came time to do your taxes.
All sporting equipment would be hot pink-including but not limited to: rackets, softball gloves, bats, footballs and kick balls.
Strawberry Ice Cream and a copious amount of Whip Cream can solve all problems. Therefore it would be required at EVERY political gathering, POW WOW; debate etc… and would be creatively integrated into the entire experience.
Wardrobe malfunctions would be limited to the Superbowl only. They would never re-surface in the form of your tagged Facebook pictures.
I would dance as well as I think I can dance after a few drinks-- all the time.
DVR "skip forward" option would land in the exact spot you want it to reach each and every time.
No pedestrian or gardener would ever step near my moving car again.
When pulled over for breaking the law instead of having to take 30 minutes out of your day to tap dance, cry, or use your female batting of the eyelashes tactic-- the cop would instead give you a fist bump and tell you he was terribly sorry for inconveniencing you.
Macaroni and Cheese would be served at every meal with the biggest portion going to me.
There would be no lack of amazing outfits paired with incredible shoes as money would be no object.
If you ever have your 15 minutes of fame on a game show you will know when you actually won instead of the camera staring down at you for a disgustingly awkward amount of time as your friends and family watched nationwide.
You would never leave your house looking amazing and see no one of importance. In turn, you would never run into anyone of importance (most importantly any ex-significant other) when you have never looked worse than you did at the exact moment they say…"Leah??" but what they really mean is "DANG what the heck happened to YOU?"
Unfortunately the world is not a perfect place. Most likely it will never be the place I hope it to be. With the implementation of LEAH LAND I know that at least you can come with me and we could find refuge, even if for a short time, that would be rid of oil spills, war and reality TV. So don't mind me if I don't seem to want to participate in the chaos from time-to-time. This way you know where to find me—I will be dancing in the little corner of the world I have created with a full belly of macaroni & cheese, my umbrella drink snug in my Koozie and endless good times on the horizon.
xoxo,
lms
